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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
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567 shares

I don't have a girlfriend, i just know someone who would get really mad if they ever heard me say that.

I don't have a girlfriend, i just know someone who would get really mad if they ever heard me say that.
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478,528 shares

I used to support ron paul I still do, but I used to, too.

I used to support ron paul I still do, but I used to, too.
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8,276 shares

I find a duck’s opinion on me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I find a duck’s opinion on me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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8,081 shares

i'm against picketing but i don't know how to show it

i'm against picketing but i don't know how to show it
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838 shares

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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567 shares

fuck you! that was funny . . . go inside my head and then come out and tell me i'm wrong.

fuck you! that was funny . . . go inside my head and then come out and tell me i'm wrong.
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483 shares

is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus? or just a really cool opotamus?

is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus? or just a really cool opotamus?
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479 shares

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once
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418 shares

Spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water. I like dizzy chickens!

Spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water. I like dizzy chickens!
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415 shares

"Escalator temporarily stairs, sorry for the convenience."
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389 shares

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