I don't always accidentally step on the cat but when I do, I spend the next five minutes giving him an elaborate and thoughtful apology

I don't always accidentally step on the cat but when I do, I spend the next five minutes giving him an elaborate and thoughtful apology   The Most Interesting Man In The World

You hold your farts in when we're together? What other secrets have you bottled up inside of yourself thinking I wouldn't want to hear them?

You hold your farts in when we're together? What other secrets have you bottled up inside of yourself thinking I wouldn't want to hear them?  Overly Attached Girlfriend

what if i told you my working from home does not give you the right to treat me as if I've taken the day off?

what if i told you my working from home does not give you the right to treat me as if I've taken the day off?  Matrix Morpheus

WHEN I WAS A KID. I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.

WHEN I WAS A KID. I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.  Confession kid

When you get a bladder infection Urine trouble

When you get a bladder infection Urine trouble  Bad Joke Eel

Serving a little person at work, they don't quite have enough money "It's ok if you're a little short"

Serving a little person at work, they don't quite have enough money

already knows the joke you are telling him pretends he does not, Listens and laughs to make you happy

already knows the joke you are telling him pretends he does not,
Listens and laughs to make you happy  Misc

remember when # was a sign for 'number' and didn't mean hashtag? Pepperidge farm remembers

remember when # was a sign for 'number' and didn't mean hashtag? Pepperidge farm remembers  Pepperidge Farm Remembers

Criticizes Abercrombie's CEO because of how he looks While saying how much of a douche he is for judging other people on their looks

Criticizes Abercrombie's CEO because of how he looks While saying how much of a douche he is for judging other people on their looks  Scumbag Redditor

I may not go down in history but I'll go down on you

I may not go down in history but I'll go down on you  Pickup-Line Panda