Yes, my sector is reporting a loss this quarter but don't worry we always land on our feet

Yes, my sector is reporting a loss this quarter but don't worry we always land on our feet  Business Cat

Turns out girls you're chatting with at party is a lesbian Not anymore

Turns out girls you're chatting with at party is a lesbian Not anymore  Socially Awesome Penguin

Stayed Up All Night Wondering Where The Sun Went Then It Dawned On Me

Stayed Up All Night Wondering Where The Sun Went Then It Dawned On Me  Lame Pun Coon

Pretends everyone is nude while giving a speech Gets a BONER

Pretends everyone is nude while giving a speech Gets a BONER  Socially Awkward Penguin

Wash your tan sheets Turns out they're white sheets

Wash your tan sheets Turns out they're white sheets  Foul Bachelor Frog

I will cut you up some apples if you want a snack

I will cut you up some apples if you want a snack  Dating Site Murderer

A rising tide lifts all boats False. Sunken boats are unaffected by tides.

A rising tide lifts all boats False.
Sunken boats are unaffected by tides.  Schrute

Hear people laughing They're talking about me!

Hear people laughing They're talking about me!  Paranoid Parrot

"let's go around the room and introduce ourselves" rehearse something in head to sound awesome, says something completely dumb instead

One pillow is too low Two pillows is too high

One pillow is too low Two pillows is too high  First World Problems