just started dating a girl her birthday was 2 weeks ago

just started dating a girl her birthday was 2 weeks ago  Success Kid

I had a heart attack last night But I didn't want to wake you so I just powered through it

I had a heart attack last night But I didn't want to wake you so I just powered through it  overly manly man

i can't sit comfortably because there's too much money in my wallet

i can't sit comfortably  because there's too much money in my wallet  First World Problems

Eats a meal in his room Dishes don't emerge for weeks

Eats a meal in his room Dishes don't emerge for weeks  Scumbag Steve

My asshole boss ate a whole bag of Beggin' Strips dog treats thinking they were bacon snacks and I didn't say a word because I was tired of his shit

My asshole boss ate a whole bag of Beggin' Strips dog treats thinking they were bacon snacks and I didn't say a word because I was tired of his shit  Confession Bear

My mother used to write erotic "romance" novels under a pseudonym. I found a box of them in her closet and would furiously masturbate to them till I found out she wrote them

My mother used to write erotic

I sent a text to my crush but the pony express was ambushed by indians

I sent a text to my crush but the pony express was ambushed by indians  1890s Problems

She laughed when she saw me I laughed when nobody saw her again

She laughed when she saw me I laughed when nobody saw her again  Karate Kyle

Not sure if in a really bad mood Or if everyone is just fucking annoying

Not sure if in a really bad mood Or if everyone is just fucking annoying   Futurama Fry

Does simple math calculation in head, better check it on my calculator just in case.

Does simple math calculation in head,  better check it on my calculator just in case.   Paranoid Parrot